exobubz | random self entry

so right now it's 11:11pm and i have a chemistry midterm friday and it's a monday night and i'm crying because i wandered into the cute but sad part of youtube and i watched a video about this kitten that died and like... i dont know. it just reminded me of all the feral kittens that've been coming to my house for years, i still remember all of their faces even though i know that many of them are gone, possibly dying before they could even live at least 1/4 of their life... from the grey ones that used to play with thumper when thumper was alive to the little orange and black kittens that died in my backyard bc i think their mom died and they were alone and starving and my parents would'nt let me help them bc, as asian parents, it's always "you can't do anything about it now".....i honestly don't know why i'm writing this, i'm literally crying thinking about all these animals and how i could've saved them. I wish i could've saved them, I wish i knew better. I wish i could've helped them... it just honestly hurts getting so used to these cats and loving them and even though they'll hiss if you get too close, the way they know you'll feed them and how they learn to meow at you feels so fucking SHITTY when they die or something happens to them that's beyond your control and i'm so so so so sad right now... as many of you know, i have a feral cat i named "Homeless".... yesterday, homeless was attack before i came back to college and i don't know his state but i know it's not good. my parents probably won't do anything about it and i havent cried or felt anything about it until now because i think ive been forcing myself not to feel anything so it wouldnt hurt but honestly it hurts so bad... i dont know what to do, i feel so hopeless i want to save him i want to do everything i can to make him feel not in pain right now and i want him to die fast so he doesn't have to live bleeding to death and im so sad, my chest hoenstly hurts so bad right now...

aside from that this country of mine has gone to shit and all im doing all day is thinking how can i make things better? i want to help i want to make a difference, i want to save them... i want to do something

so ya thats the end of this rant. i love all of my animals a little too much i guess even if they're not "mine"... i got so used to Homeless and him coming around and running to me when I called his name i got so fucking used to it that it hurts now

random self entry

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