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random self entry
so right now it's 11:11pm and i have a chemistry midterm friday and it's a monday night and i'm crying because i wandered into the cute but sad part of youtube and i watched a video about this kitten that died and like... i dont know. it just reminded me of all the feral kittens that've been coming to my house for years, i still remember all of their faces even though i know that many of them are gone, possibly dying before they could even live at least 1/4 of their life... from the grey ones that used to play with thumper when thumper was alive to the little orange and black kittens that died in my backyard bc i think their mom died and they were alone and starving and my parents would'nt let me help them bc, as asian parents, it's always "you can't do anything about it now".....i honestly don't know why i'm writing this, i'm literally crying thinking about all these animals and how i could've saved them. I wish i could've saved them, I wish i knew better. I wish i could've helped them... it just honestly hurts getting so used to these cats and loving them and even though they'll hiss if you get too close, the way they know you'll feed them and how they learn to meow at you feels so fucking SHITTY when they die or something happens to them that's beyond your control and i'm so so so so sad right now... as many of you know, i have a feral cat i named "Homeless".... yesterday, homeless was attack before i came back to college and i don't know his state but i know it's not good. my parents probably won't do anything about it and i havent cried or felt anything about it until now because i think ive been forcing myself not to feel anything so it wouldnt hurt but honestly it hurts so bad... i dont know what to do, i feel so hopeless i want to save him i want to do everything i can to make him feel not in pain right now and i want him to die fast so he doesn't have to live bleeding to death and im so sad, my chest hoenstly hurts so bad right now...
aside from that this country of mine has gone to shit and all im doing all day is thinking how can i make things better? i want to help i want to make a difference, i want to save them... i want to do something
so ya thats the end of this rant. i love all of my animals a little too much i guess even if they're not "mine"... i got so used to Homeless and him coming around and running to me when I called his name i got so fucking used to it that it hurts now
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I'm just a random person listening to my heart-break softly over this. Yeah, just ignore me
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One day, we were like in this tropical forest place to go play with elephants (or something) and we were in this shack they had built in the middle of the jungle. There was some construction happening right next to the shack and I saw this kitten like stumbling around the construction site. I started throwing food towards it (which I'm not sure was allowed or not, but nobody was paying any mind to me) but it like didn't see it, she just kept stumbling right past it.
So I started to manuver my way down there and I soon found out that the kitten had some sickness that caused her eyes to like "mucus over" and they were crusted shut. No wonder she kept wandering past the food I was giving her. She had settled down in some shade under a slab of concrete in such a way that made me want to cry.
I cleared her eyes of all the stuff and gave her food and water and I told my mom what I did and she was just, "It doesn't make any difference, the cats sick, its eyes are just gonna crust over again and it'll die.'
and I just cant accept this, I dont know why.
I just keep thinking about that kitten to this day and I think, did i make a difference?
maybe it stayed alive long enough because of me that someone who actually lived there took her home and saved her.
but then i always dismiss that because if youve ever been to thailand, cats and dogs run rampant. and no one ever really cares, so whats the exception with my kitten?
I just want to feel like I made a difference, I want my what now would be a cat to be okay.
her name is oliver.