exobubz | where's fara?

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where's fara?

trigger warning: depressing

Just in case some people care enough to want to know, but mainly for me because I'm really sad and I dont feel okay with posting this on tumblr because so and so might see it and be too concerned, but here goes what I've been feeling, doing, or lack-thereof doing.

Probably, if you read every single thing I post, you're probably tired of this but I'm sad. Again. Not just the bad-day-kinda-sad... It's the "I'm in college for a major I dont want, I'm wasting my parents' money, and I feel trapped in this major" kind of sad. It's depression.

I had an episode last weekend where it was the worst since this summer. It doesn't help how I'm living in an apartment now and my living room feels so empty and un-home-ish that it makes me feel even more alone... I feel so behind on my major requirements, I feel like I'm going to fail every time I step on campus, I have too much anxiety, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm depressed and no one can tell and that is the most lonely feeling a person can ever feel... It got so bad that I worried Charles staying over my place just to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself.

And to be honest, it would've been really easy to. I live on the second floor and we have a balcony, and words can't describe the emotions I felt staring out at that platform thinking how easy it'd be to just do it. But I couldn't because I have reasons to keep living. Also, my sister was staying over because she was visitng me... As much as I hate this life sometimes, I can't stand the thought of my sister growing up alone or saying, "I USED to have a sister...." etc etc.

I don't like how I spend nights crying about things I can't put my finger on; about things that I can't control or about the fact that I'm so unhappy and miserable when everything stops moving around me and I find myself alone. When I'm stripped of my friends, my classes, everything, and all I have is myself.

The saddest things about my "reasons to keep on living" is the fact that my reasons feel more like burdens... I feel obligated to keep living. I feel like I owe it to other people to stay alive. And that makes me feel chained and even more trapped. If anything, it makes me feel as if living is some kind of purgatorial punishment.

I've also been feeling completely sad about how I've been treating Charles lately... He honestly tries his best with me. He'll ask me what's wrong and he genuinely wants to know, and I know I keep things from him and he knows it too. I tell him to go home, to go away, to "leave me alone", but the second he does, I fall into thispit of loneliness... And it's honestly not his fault since I'm the one who pushes him into giving me the space that I want, but I end up getting mad at him when he doesn't text or call me to see if I'm okay..

That sounds completely stupid and shitty. I know... But at the same time, I don't know.

Maybe I get depressed when people don't recognize that I need help; that I want them to actually stay with me even though I feel like they shouldn't waste their time with me. Maybe I just don't want to be alone; maybe being alone is what I feel like I deserve, but it's not what I want.

I don't know. Human emotions are fucked up.

I want to tell my parents about this. I want to tell them about my thoughts, that I honestly have no will to live more often that not; that I'm unhappy; that I've thought about leaving them in this world.... but I'm scared that all their going to tell me is that, somehow, I'm lazy, it's just in my head, don't talk about it (like its taboo).... Or even worse, my parents telling me I've wasted time and money at school and asked "then what do you want to do, huh? art? writing? how're you going to make money off of that!?"....... Tl;dr, I'm scared of not being supported, I guess.

I'm tired of crying. My eyes are getting sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like this... I'm tired of being happy with Charles one minute and then the next, being angry at him because my mood is suddenly in the negatives for one reason or another...

Maybe I have manic depression. Maybe I have something else. I'm pretty sure I have something undiagnosed that I keep trying to cure by happy thoughts alone, I just... I don't know.

My depression is at a point where I can't even use it as motivatio nto write angst/dark themes anymore. I feel like its taken over and that it's some kind of unmanageable tumor that I can't get rid of no matter how many times I try.

But anyways, that's what's been hapening inside my head and that's also whats been going on for the last few weeks. I want to apologize for my inactivity. I never thought that something so...invisible... could ever hinder me from doing what I like to do. I don't WANT to appear like this unstable, crazy, emo person online, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how important it is that I actually talk about what I have.

I realize that a lot of people hide their depression or feelings such as mine so they can appear to be "fine" when, really, they're not. Someone told me a while ago that it made them feel normal knowing that someone like me, who writes all these stories and keeps pushing forward, faced depression and several personal issues regarding mental health.... And as much as I don't want to appear "weak" by sharing this side of me, I realize that having mental illness doesn't make you weak... By realizing this, I know now that there's really no shame in talking about it. Mental illness is already regarded as a taboo subject and its often sweft under the rug, when really, mental illness kills just as many people as things that are regarded as actual "diseases".

So, yeah. I'm going to wrap this up because it's too long.

Hope you guys have a great day/evening. I want you to know that if you're depressed that it's okay. Just have someone you can talk to. Also, don't be mad at someone for not knowing how you feel... They really can't read your mind. :( Sometimes, you have to tell them.

10/8/16 Fara.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(Sorry, my english is very bad, but i will try 'cause gggaaaajjj)

Reading this makes me feel so worried. You see, i'm your fan, really. Well, i just love your work too much and shit, you know. Blah blah.

So many times i was in the same situation 'cause i have problems. I hate school, since ever. Every morning was like hell by facing the idea that i was obligated to go and it turned to a huge problem when i became a girl who can't even think of getting out of the bed. And the worst thing of it is that my parents didn't believe me, they used to think that i was just a very lazy shit. (?) The point it's that one day i left school, when i knew that the problem was serious. Since that time, my life wasn't so pretty. I faced a lot of situations when the anxiety was taking me to a hole full of shit, when i have to decide between what i wanted and what the others wanted. A few months ago, i make my dad feel like crap because i didn't wanted to live in a city away from my mom and my family and everything i know. I cried a lot, he got very angry with me, but what could i do? I remember the sad feeling taking control of me AGAIN. So i went and i tell him that i wanted to stay in my house and i just saw the look in his eyes telling me that the things wouldn't be well on a little time. But i'm glad that i learned something by living such an ugly days. When you feel like you said, you have to do wathever it takes to feel better. Yes, you will be on trouble, you may look selfish or disappoint some people around you... But sometimes we need to think in ourselves, at least one time in our lifes, we deserve to feel just fine. I recommend you to talk with your parents even if you fear their reaction. Like the song, it's gonna get bad before it gets good.

You know, i'm not used to do this kind of things because i speak spanish and i'm not thaaaat good at english, but i decide to try since i trully love you even if you don't have a single idea of who am i. I hope you feel better soon, such a person like you should be happy OTL. Anyway, if you need to let things out, i will be ~~stalking~~here and i will write bad english to (luckily) make you feel a liiiittle better.

Fighting, Fara!! ♥

I hope you'll be better soon! :D It's good that you talk about your feelings and you're right, it's nothing bad to feel depressed. And I hope you'll tell about how you feel your friends and family. I think it's better to them to know. And believe me, they won't judge you and won't pick you up on your feelings.

Hwaiting fara! ^^

p.s. sorry for my English, it's not too good :/ :D

Hey. I don't know if it's my place to answer this post or not. But I'll do it anyway because it might actually help you ?!
I think I used to be depressed, I've never been diagnosed or anything but I'm pretty sure I was. I could relate to a lot of things you wrote. Especially when you constantly push away your friends but when they actually go away, you feel even lonelier. So just know you're not alone in this. I don't have a miracle solution to depression sadly. I just know it gets better at some point. I used to be depressed, one of my friend used to be too : except we're both ok now. It eventually gets better so don't lose hope even though it's hard.
I know I'm not at any point a reference or something, but I just wanna share with you what I learned from it : the best way is to actually talk to people, I started to get better once I realized people actually cared for me and I could open to them. Pushing them away actually hurt them as much as it did to me. So try not to reject people who want to help you even though it's hard, I know. Then, you should always remember that you're worth it. That it's ok to be depressed, it's not something to be ashamed of and it's actually great to admit it. And your problems aren't less worthy than the others. You shouldn't listen to people that don't wanna hear about it, that don't wanna acknowledge your problems. Surrounding yourself with people who care and listen to you is the best and I really hope you have them and you actually let them in.
I just deeply hope it's gonna get better soon for you (I am sure it will at some point, be strong!). I hope you're gonna find the right people and that in a few years you will actually look back and think 'I am over this now and it made me stronger'.
Lots of love <3

Hi. This is probably the first real interaction from me but I feel like I need to voice my own opinion here. Well, not much on opinion more like sharing my own dark time.

When I was in my second semester, I was hit with this severe anxiety. I was always so depressed. Every sunday night I felt like crap knowing by next day I had to enter my own hell. But the worst was always on tuesday. Because the subject I hate the most was in that day and the study hour was crazy. Who in the world can be so heartless to give schedule from 7 a.m till 6 p.m with no rest in between except for that one hour from 1 to 2 p.m? But even then I could barely use it because the shitload of assignments and quizzes. It's worse because the worst subject that I hate (yes, I still hate it so much) had this calm-before-the-storm kind of professor. The building was far from the main entrance and even from the other entrances, it's located on the 4th floor (although since the classes has high ceilings it's more like 8th) with no other choice to reach it except by using stairs. And yet when I arrived at 7.02 a.m on the first day, I was told not to enter the class immediately. While my friends who had different professors could be really at ease. And it's not even the worst. He even made us do the quizzes after the class was over. We had to do them in the time we actually had to use to change classes. And if we could only do half of it, we'd get immediate zero. It's so bad but the bad thing is it was not the only hell I had to endure. Many of my professors back then were my own special torture. I was also this awkward girl who didn't have much friends, couldn't really socialize, etc. It was pretty hard for me. I had two bestfriends (sad to say it in past tense) back then whom I shared my conflict with. But the thing is, although it might seem like I was sharing everything, I didn't really say the important. It was hard to get out all of the conflicts inside me. I wished for them, my parents too, to know it without I had to say it but it was a wishful thinking. It didn't help that one of them had really awful academic score and as a friend and as a me I felt like I had to help her. So while she was getting the help she needed, I didn't get any. My other friend was this perfect girl, like she has all of her life figured out and it feels like she was born under a lucky star. I love her with all my heart, she's a really good friend, but I still feel a rift between us because even then I knew that I'm way too out of her league.
At first I willed myself to think that I was just lazy, it was nothing. But as time passed, I felt really suffocated. My anxiety grew. I even got panic attacks every now and then. I couldn't read words relating to school without feeling like puking after. The desire to off myself was really strong. Actually it was a lucky thing that my sharehouse-mate borrowed my knife, because I was suddenly dark-eyed and I used my not-so sharp-fork to slice my wrist. Many times I felt like living was a chore. But it was a burden I had to endure. I tried my luck by telling my parents that I actually wanted to study another major in a joking manner but even then they already got kind of concerned.
The anxiety made an impact on my health. I was often sick. But it hurt really bad when most of my classmates thought that I was only faking it. They didn't understand. They simply don't. It was so bad that my GPA went down real fast. My parents were shocked and then we had a real deep conversation. I wanted to let it all out but I felt like keeping some things in. I didn't tell them (I still don't actually) that I wanted to do suicide many times, but it was only stopped because I felt obligated to them, to my siblings, especially my brother who worked hard to enter a top university in our country just like myself, using me as his role model. But I did tell them that I was burdened by all the expactations, etc.
But in the end, they didn't really understand. They told me that I probably just needed to work harder, that I was probably only being lazy. And I better never think about changing my course again. They don't understand, but at the very least they knew that I was struggling and I didn't have it easy.

(Sorry it's getting to long I have to cut it in two parts)

I learn to accept myself just the way I am. Although there are still people who love to see me down, but they no longer can make me feel bad about myself. When I start to see myself in a positive light, accept all my flaws and try to make the best out of it, gathering more experience and knowledge, and also create opportunities for myself, I actually feel lighter and I no longer feel suffocated.

I try to acknowledge human's basic (like how human is a selfish individual but can't live on our own). Because of that I can accept myself and others more.

I start to go with this motto, "since I'm wet already, why not swim?"
Afterall, it's easier to go with the flow than to go against the current.

In the end, I know that fighting off anxiety and depression is not easy. It won't be cured overnight either. But you already start it by acknowledging it to yourself. By being able to sort out what's actually troubling you, you already set out yourself in a path of healing. Give yourself time and be more honest to people who are dear to you. They probably won't understand and their opinions will probably ones that don't suit you. But at least you've gotten it out. And maybe over time, they will see it the way you see it.

It's not gonna be easy. But it will pass. For now, please hang on. I found that writing save me a lot. I did hang on because I write. So, maybe you can do that to ease your pain. Not to please other, but yourself.

Honestly, I don't really know what I'm writing about. But I hope you can get some encouragement and motivation to face the day by this. Because we share the same pain. I hope you'll be able to be fine soon :)

Ah. Uhm, I don't know if you remember me, I'm Eylah (park-gogi @ tumblr, and eylahr @ twitter).

I actually kind of know how you feel. I haven't been diagnosed with anything either, but every once in a while (which means like, every 3-4 months) I get like, super sad. I often think it's just because my period is coming, but it does get ugly. I suddenly can't come up with a good enough reason to live anymore and it frustrates me because I'm not really living a bad life at all (?) Like, I should be happy.

It kind of got worse this last time (like, I still feel sad and believe me I've just been online to see if exo can save me this time). I don't like my career but my parents told me that I should get an engineerig degree (to keep it safe i guess) and then i could do whatever i want to. They're not mean or bad parents, they just really couldn't afford to pay for the career i wanted. And it's okay. Im not mad at them. But lately I' ve been getting tired of everythig really quickly, my friends, my family, my bestfriends. Just, everything makes me feel so tired and kind of wanting to just drop everything and run and just leave. And to top it off I'm not doing well in classes, and i thought i was. Which makes me feel sadder because i feel like im disappointing my parents, and I've been crying so, so much. I don't want to tell my parents. I once told dad when he was a bit drunk, how i never really felt like i was good enough in anything, like i was really worth something, and he laughed, even when i was crying in front if him, and told me he didn't believe me, that i couldn't feel like that because i was near perfect, i had almost everything and a lot of people would want to be on my position. He then asked me if they were bad parents, and i said no, because they aren't and the conversation was just kind of dropped that night.

And i want so badly to feel good, but i dont really think anything will help me this time, like i might just keep on being sad forever. I dont want to die, i dont want to leave my parents or my sisters, but dammit i cant find a reason to try to live the way ive always dreamed about. But i dont want to tell anyone, i hate feeling like this but i feel like if they know it would make everything real and idont want to. I dont want them to feel bad or sad or worried. Am i pushing them away? Probably, because they kind of have been distant towards me lately, but who knows, ive been too distracted lately.

Anyways, the main point of this was to tell you you're not alone and all that. I ended up telling you my problems and shit and im sorry. I hope that it gets better for you, truly. No one deserves to feel like this, because it sucks. I love you💕 please be well!

Ps: I dont really think i have depression, but maybe i do. Idk.

Oh! And just remember

#10. Advice taken from a really good, cute girl~

Oh, Fara T.T

I've noticed your emotional change ever since you've tweeted so many stuff that has been annoying you and all especially at sch and your roommates. I know how things can get hard for us at times, and I know how weak we could be to even get through all these problems. The best thing to keep in mind is try to remember that you're not alone, okay? There are /always/ people who care for you (you have Charles, you have your friends whom you can trust, you have your online friends, you have meeeee? :D), but perhaps most of these people are afraid to approach you when they notice how depressed you have been. Please don't be afraid to tell these people what you're thinking so that who knows they might help you in some way. Maybe not as a whole but at least they are by your side if you ever need someone to be with. Life will always be a bitch to us, and it all depends to us on how we handle it. I know you're a strong girl, I know you can get through this. If there's anything that has been bothering you, just make sure to have someone you can tell everything to. Okay? ;-; I wish I could be there for you but I can only give you virtual support. I hope you could feel my hugs all the way from here ;A; /hugs/ You can do this, bb. It's okay to cry if you feel tired of all these stuff. But don't be alone, okay? ;-; I suck at comforting people but I hope you'll be alright soon, love. I'm here if you ever need someone to rant to. Okay? ;-; Take care always 💕

Hi! I dunno whether I'm qualified to give an advise but honestly I think everyone in this world had their own problems and psychological illness and depression is common illness and it always happened to teenagers and and adults.
I dunno if I've ever experienced deep depression but I think I almost experienced the same situation as you. I had my target in my live since young when I'm twelve. I wanna become like my brother. Study till I get PhD and became somebody and be respected. As I grow up nothing happened like what I thought and planned. I still got my diploma but in nursing. Something I never thought to became. And now I'm a nurse. For 3 years learn to be a nurse, I never like or love nursing. I just do it because my conciousness told me that I need to survive. I told my mum many times that I dunno if I can make it or not so if my pointer doesn't high like my friends please accept it as it is. I'm not that clever my science is suck and I'm always at bottom line.
I like to sleep when I had a chance. Because when I'm sleep I tend forget everything that mess up with my head. And for that I always get teased by some of my not so called friends. I had a few friends I can trust even not fully trusted. But when I can't handle the depression that I held for a few days, I tried to open up to them and expressed everything that I kept to myself. I cried and what I felt after that is I felt glad but surely your problem doesn't go away just like that but important for you to share your problem.
Then I tried to forget and go on with my life. I know my problem will never settled if I don't take any action. Either stop studying or keep go on with afford. When I thought to stop studying, I was in my third semester and I still had 3 semester to finish my study. If I stop just like that I need to pay a lot of money because this study is contracted with government. But I had another way to back off without paying anything with failed my final exam. My conciousness once again betrayed me. Even I would love to do that but my conciousness can never do that. I tried the best I can do and never expected anything. Another things that makes me do my best because at that time I was twenty, if I stop and choose other subject, I had to learn another 3 years and when I finish study, I already old and can't enjoy my life fullest and nowadays it's not easy to find a job. Fyi I'm not that rich to enjoy while study. That's why I choose to attended nursing college under government because they'll provided me monthly allowance that just enough for study and a bit to enjoy. That's my teenager life.
Become a nurse it took a lot of your time and I never enjoy my life as a teenager. A lot of expectations from your work field and community. I had to adapt myself with work environments. You know in my country, government use seniority system so if you've been bullied, either you can protect yourself or not. But for me who already in my 5th years, my senior teach me a lot. Yeah of course I've been bullied. Almost 7 months but the most terrible is the first 3 months. Of course I cried and depressed but I can't tell my mum because she'll also depressed. I felt lonely because I work far from home. I need to rent a room for almost 4 years so I can be near to my work place and I had nobody. But you know what I had that time to handle my depression is a 'will'. A will to survive and never once thought that you bounded to this world. This world exist is for you to choose what you wannabe and you wanna do. To created you own version of life you want to. That's the world for you. That's the world I tried to create for myself. But you must remember even the world is for us to enjoy, we must know that everything is for a while. The happiness that we earn will also accompany with tears and today we cry tomorrow maybe we laugh. Don't give yourself high expectations but went through your days to the fullest. If today is the shitiest day for you so told to yourself that tomorrow I'll make up for it. But you need to know that family and friends support is important then you will have desire to life.
If I wanna tell all the story of my life, it can never end so I'll end up my story here.

I read 10080, Not Intended and The Letter ages ago but for some reason today I wanted to reread some of your works so I came here. I saw your link to your youtube channel and watched the videos you made when you read those three books^, and it just brought back more memories of how good your writing was. I went on to follow you on twitter and was planning to dm you (god i sound so stalker-ish) of how much I respect you as a writer and how quirky and cool your personality seemed (through those youtube videos i watched) but your dm's weren't public. Being the crazy stalker I am I decided to come back here, make a livejournal account so I could message you here.

I literally made this account 30 minutes ago (literally all of these events^ happened within the past hour fucking hell) so I still don't really know how to work this site and how to directly message you. Being the awkward newbie I am, I decided to comment on your most recent entry in hopes that you'd see it, and that's when I read this, and suddenly I felt so bad. Don't feel bad for making me feel bad!! (if that even makes sense) but it honestly did hurt to read how upset you seem.

I would like to say that I understand and that you're not alone (which you aren't) but I don't have depression, and being a random 15 going on 16 year old with basically no experience with hardship, I didn't feel like it was my place to sit here and say that I can help. I would love to, as much as I can being a random international fan of your works. My words probably don't mean anything, but as long as you understand that me, as well the other 9 people who have commented, your boyfriend, friends and family do genuinely care for you, that's all that should matter. I know I know I know it's easier said than done for me to sit here and type that you shouldn't block those close to you out, so I won't say that.

Life is hard (yes again, I know I'm 15 and you're probably scoffing because I don't know what I'm talking about) but it is. But as long as you focus on the happy things, it'll get better. Honestly. Even when there's all these troubles going on through your life, there is ONE thing this 15 year old gay fanfic reader is sure about, and that is that I know there's at least one thing out there that can make you happy. Maybe not completely happy, maybe not happy for too long, but as long as you remember that amidst all this depressing bullshit you feel as though you can't go through, there is one thing that can distract you.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE THAT THING SELF HARMING, and PLEASE CARE ABOUT YOURSELF. Don't think you should stay alive just for others and feel as though you should worry about them, be selfish for once. You deserve to be happy. Who really gives a shit if you'd prefer writing than doing some course. I know that's what your parents want of you, but it doesn't hurt to be selfish once in a while, especially if doing what you're doing right now makes you feel this way. I can't be sure you'll even read this, who knows if you'll even see it, but my last words for you is to try and find those things that make you happy.

You said so yourself in your youtube videos that rereading your works made you happy, so maybe do that. I don't know, that's just a suggestion. Maybe quit the angsty writing for a while and change it up to fluff? I read/write fluff every now and again and instead of thinking 'why can't that be me experiencing bliss and tranquility' I think of it in a way as that 'if I want to, I can get that bliss and tranquility myself'. Once again, I know I'm only 15, I haven't experienced life, I don't know you personally (as much as I'd like to, you seem really cool!) yet despite all this stuff, I still wish for you to be happy. Don't take this as a must which only chains you up even more, but think of it as a reason to keep breathing. I don't know you, yet 60 fucking chapters of one of your books had me wanting to fangirl and chat and talk shit with you about the most random of topics. That's the effect you had on me and you weren't even trying (because you don't know me but you know what I mean lmao) so imagine the effect you have on others when you don't even try. You matter, you really do, and you should be happy.

Keep breathing love, I promise it'll get better. It'll take a whole lot of time and you'll want to give up, but once you get there you'll be free.

my comment was too long so i had to post this in two parts and this was pretty shit and i don't know what im talking about and the chances of you even seeing this is i don't even know, but despite all this, i just really want you to be happy.

find your own fucking el dorado amidst all this life bullshit. find happiness boo ♡

I may not know you, but I had friend who was in a similar situation to you and I honestly cried for her every night for a long time.

I don't know what I can say or do that will have even a remote effect in lifting your spirits, but I want to tell you that I believe in you.

I believe in the future you might not see and the people around you. And even though you may feel as though you have become a burden to those who you love, you probably haven't.

So I believe in you, Fara, please keep on going. I pray for strength for you and I'm rooting for you. Fighting xx

i'am really late to say this but i just wants to say how great you're even if i haven't meet you yet but just by reading your fic i realized how great you're and it's kind of hard to see you not beign able to express your feeling when you can express the feeling in each of your written :) but sometimes is hard to get that feeling but it's okay to have it since everyone will have it once in their life
changing your daily life and your house and not seeing your family and friends must be really hard but you left for reason and nobody will blame you and if you feel sad remember that you have people in your house waiting for you and your parent and find new things to enjoy yourself like writting
pls take your time to recover your health first :) and pls update when you feel less stressful and comfortable
have nice day i really miss you update and your writting :)

Hi Fara!
It might seem weird to you that I'm commenting only now but Idk if I could explain it. The fact that I saw that you updated your LJ made me feel like I should finally say something. Because the 1st time I saw this post I wanted to tell so many things but I feel like I couldn't because it actually triggered me. A few months ago I've been there...and I've been there for quite a while since my studies lasted for a long time. I say my studies but it involves everything that comes along: living alone, turning into an "adult", and discovering that everything is a lie...or at least not what you thought it was.
But I think it's all about balance. I could make 125664 comparisons but at the end it will always be about the balance between happiness and success. Because life is ironic like that and most of the times those 2 require to go opposite ways. This is unfair. But this is not me being all negative, no, I'm just being real. And I'm not saying that being successful means being sad and that being happy means living in struggle. Once again it's a balance. For each option you will have, you'll need to ponder about what you can tolerate the most. It will be different for each option. And I know that everyone is different but from what I've seen so far, a huge factor in our pain/sad feels is frustration (you wanted to do good, you wanted to please this or this person, you wanted to do something for yourself). So growing up implies being able to handle that frustration. Being happy too. I'm not saying it's all Disney magical. I've just came to the conclusion that learning to handle the frustration feeling makes thing...lighter? I'm not in your shoes and will never be. But I hope that at least a few of my words will be useful for you.
About the burden of not letting people down...I've been there too. And I wish I had the right words to make you see the things in another way. You feel burdened right? Because if it was only about you then maybe you'd just go. But here you are, forcing yourself to go through things you don't want to go through for people. Is that the feeling you have? But see it in another way. If you know it will hurt people, it means that you know that they love you and even better, it means that you care about them since you don't want them sad or alone. It's twisted because you end up being mad at people because you're forced to make them happy but that's only because you want them happy. I don't know how to put it in a clear way I'm sorry. All in all, don't feel burdened by love. I mean...if you have to do something radical then change stuff in your life. Change your major, move to another country, get a tattoo, idk but don't just end things. Deep down you know that you want something else, I'm pretty sure. Ofc it's scary. And it could be a lose-lose situation, this is the scariest feeling right? So our mind does that """awesome""" trick that is showing us that 3rd option which is nothing. Because if you make everything stops then nothing can happen bad or good, nothing, you're free. But it' a trick. What's the point of stopping everything now when it will stop anyway at some point? I will make a shitty example but please accept it, i have nothing better coming to my mind right now. Imagine hitting the lotto ( :) ) and then people start to tell you that you could get robbed, that you could make bad investments and lose everything in 5 years, etc etc. Would you spend all of the money in just one go to make sure that those bad things don't happen? It would be a little bit stupid right? You have to try and make some mistakes. You might lose money at some point, but it won't necessarily be everything. It's worth trying to make that money grow right? So yeah. That's it. I told you it was a shitty example but I hope you got the (bad) metaphor.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling from now. I hope you feel better and that no matter the downs you go through, there will be followed by ups. Be grateful to the people that love you but think about yourself first. Always ♥ .

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