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Like Night and Day 35
Chapter 35
Polarity
The world could’ve been falling and collapsing around him and even then, it would have all be in the farthest corner of Baekhyun’s mind. Time had passed since the call with Kyungsoo ended, but there was something in him that kept him from stepping back inside the restaurant. If he had his way, he would’ve walked off, away from the damn place, but for what reason?
Walking away and leaving without a word to clear his chaotic mind would’ve sufficed him, but Baekhyun refused to succumb to such a cowardly move. Crouched down outside, refusing to re-enter the establishment wasn’t any less cowardly, but merely less of a dramatic decision.
Time had become something so irrelevant, Baekhyun never realized how long he had been outside until he heard someone calling his name from inside, the voice growing louder and louder the closer the individual got to the entrance. Slowly standing, Baekhyun put the cellular device out of sight, slipping it in one of his back pocket.
Chanyeol stood just outside the door, looking down at the sullen male who kept his face away from him. “Baekhyun.”
“What?”
“Are you coming back inside? Why’re you out here?” Apologizing to those who were trying to make their way out, Chanyeol bowed his head before stepping outside himself, joining Baekhyun against the restaurant wall. When Baekhyun didn’t care to respond, the player’s concern did nothing but continue to burn. “Tell me what’s wrong--”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Baekhyun said, cutting him off. Glancing up and meeting the way Chanyeol’s eyes were trying to break him down analytically, he pushed his hair back, letting the strands fall wherever they may. “I needed some air… I didn’t mean to worry you. I should’ve gone back in as soon as--”
“You’ve been out here for ten minutes.”
“Right. So let’s go back inside, then.”
As Baekhyun tried to walk around him, Chanyeol brazenly threw his arm out, keeping the brunet from walking back in. “Did he say something that upset you?”
“Yes.” It was said bluntly. Baekhyun didn’t spare any curiosities left unsatisfied. “He did.”
The way he shook Chanyeol’s hand off, briskly and coldy, started a feeling so displeasing in the pit of the giant's stomach. “Do you want to talk to me?”
“No... I don't.” Baekhyun looked at him for the first time, eyes clouded with disappointment and a faint glint of sadness. “There's nothing to talk about.”
Chanyeol pursed his lips. “Well, there has to be. You look upset.”
“Maybe because you're--” Immediately after the words slipped out, Baekhyun brought his hand to his lips. He drew his eyes back down. “Nevermind. Jihoon and the others are wondering where we are.”
Baekhyun had the slight expectation that the other would follow, but when he looked back, Chanyeol hadn't moved from his spot. It was discouraging. He didn't have the desire to talk any further, but the latter seemed to have no motivation to walk with him. Wretched from his initial decision, Baekhyun turned back for the athlete.
“Chanyeol, I don't know how drunk you are right now, but we need to go back inside--”
“He said he likes Papa Roach... Listens to Seether and all of that. Dabbles in Drowning Pool some days, other times in Metallica.” With his shoulders slumped, Chanyeol avoided the way Baekhyun tried to meet his eyes. “Guy has tattoo sleeves on both arms. I don't doubt there's some on his body. He said he's also part of a band... Wears the same stuff you do, likes the same music you do... And then there's me.”
Baekhyun couldn't breathe. It felt like he was an animal, cornered by multiple preys. He felt ambushed by Kyungsoo, the rumors, and Chanyeol's jealous insecurities.
He closed his eyes, seeking comfort from the darkness. The voices in his head did nothing to comfort him. Things were too chaotic. A disorganized mess would do nothing for the betterment of anyone.
“Chanyeol, stop. You're drunk, I get that.”
“I'm not drunk, Baekhyun. A few shots don't do anything to me.”
“And why is that?” Baekhyun asked, sounding spiteful. He didn't mean anything by it, except his anger unhinged his filter. Chanyeol looked beyond betrayed by the way he was spoken to, sensing the trust between them beginning to wither and fade by the second. “Do you drink often? With your friends... With kids who do this kind of thing?”
“Baekhyun--”
“Answer my question, Chanyeol.”
Regardless of his statement, the alcohol did have an effect on him. Chanyeol couldn't admit to it. The polite and soft spoken giant had disappeared, though not completely. It untightened the tense boy, allowing loose his words and desires.
“Yeah. I do.” Chanyeol gave no indication of being apologetic about his confession. It was all said in blatant bitterness as if to jab the other's feelings. “I get invited to parties. I don't go all the time, but when I'm free, I go... Don't look so upset--Is that why you stayed out here? Because I was drinking--”
“No.”
“Well, you look even worse now that I just told you why.” Chanyeol tried to touch him but Baekhyun stepped to the side. “Talk to me, please.”
“It won't matter... It won't matter at all.” Baekhyun kept his eyes low. “No matter how many times we talk, it won't matter, because I still won't know anything about you, Yeol...”
Chanyeol was a figure too good to be true. His flaws were miniscule, often ones Baekhyun found too juvenile to account for. But the light on him was beginning to dim. He was the sun, but the day was beginning to set. In the natural order of things, night would eventually have its time.
“Why’re you saying that?” Chanyeol asked, voice rough and faint. “You know everything there is to know about me. I haven't hid anything from you, Baek.”
“Are you kidding me? I didn’t know you drank. You're lying to me right now.” Laughing softly, Baekhyun shrugged. “But that's fine. This is Korea and, besides that matter, I lied to you about eating, so I guess it makes us even in the end. I don't like ending things feeling like I'm in debt.”
“No, Baekhyun. That's not--”
“I'll apologize to the others when I'm at work next time... I think I need to go home, because I’m not in the mood for any of this anymore.”
Turning to his left would’ve forced Baekhyun to walk through an alley way, and at that time of night, it wouldn’t have been so wise. But going right meant having to deal with Chanyeol’s massive body looming over him, ready to stop him at any given moment. However, much to his surprise, Chanyeol did nothing when he slipped past him, heading towards the main street.
Maybe it was for the best. Baekhyun could still feel his head throbbing over the situation. It wasn’t so much Chanyeol’s drinking or the fact that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant that bothered him, though her pregnancy did tick him off in the strongest way possible. There were so many things that he didn’t know about him despite how Chanyeol seemed to soak in every single detail about him, memorizing it all like the back of his hand.
He walked fast for no reason beyond his need to leave and reach home as quickly as possible. He planned to take the bus, but held little hope in making the bus’ closest schedule.
Despite the noises and people around him, Baekhyun felt isolated. Kyungsoo was always one call away. Going home where Chanyeol could easily barge in and try to coax him out of his shell seemed like a daunting thought. He didn’t need the boy making him feel better, because the brunet knew that the giant definitely would appease him. Chanyeol would try and he’d succumb, but Baekhyun knew it was dangerous. With Chanyeol, his eyes were always closed. For the first time since they began dating, they were peeking open.
He hadn’t been blind to their differences. Obviously, Chanyeol derived from a different crowd, but when they were together, he often forgot about it. Baekhyun knew he needed the reminder that he wasn’t the only person in Chanyeol’s world. He wasn’t the sole proprietor of his attention. He had other friends, other people. The giant did things without him knowing about every single one of them, and that was fine, except for the issue that Baekhyun felt too detached with other aspects of Chanyeol’s life.
For instance, the athlete’s ex-girlfriend. As far as he knew, she was pregnant, according to Kyungsoo, and despite his various faults, Kyungsoo would never spare him a lie. In the president’s eyes, all lies came to an inevitable fall, so why should one individual waste time lying to another? It was pointless.
The ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was fresh information to him. There hadn’t been any word of a pregnant teen at their school besides Kyungsoo’s ex-vice president. Baekhyun wasn't up-to-date. He was beginning to become weary of listening to rumours around school--unlike Kyungsoo who liked investigating and learning more about the secrets of others. Chanyeol’s ex-girlfriend could've gone to another school for all he knew.
The possibility that his ex-girlfriend was Kyungsoo’s ex-vice president never truly crossed his mind. He would’ve known right away. Chanyeol would’ve told him, at least…
Baekhyun growled, kicking an abandoned flyer on the ground away from his feet. Would Chanyeol have said something? He wasn’t sure. The hope wasn’t there no matter how hard Baekhyun tried to pretend that it was. The athlete wouldn’t have said anything. He didn’t even talk about his ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy.
The brunet almost laughed for even having hope.
Kyungsoo never specified if Chanyeol was the father, and Baekhyun couldn’t tell by his tone if the latter was subtly hinting that his boyfriend was or if he wasn’t. Way before, when they first met, the giant had been nothing but shy and gentle, traits most virgins had, and when he confessed that he had never engaged in any type of sexual activity, Baekhyun believed him, not finding the confession too hard to imagine.
But she was pregnant, and by the laws of nature, there needed to be a father. If Chanyeol was him, then he wasn’t a virgin and he lied about the matter. If so, then why?
Baekhyun walked briskly, muttering his apologies to those he accidentally touched or pushed. The bus stop wasn’t too far from his sight. No one bothered to ask if he was fine despite him looking terribly awful, but what did he expect from the world…
He took his phone out from his pocket. Sleeping over at Kyungsoo’s house was never an odd thing, especially with the boy’s father frequently absent around the house. Baekhyun’s parents never thought anything of it either, and neither did he.
His thumb loomed over Kyungsoo’s contact information before pressing against the green call icon. Never putting the phone to his ear, Baekhyun watched as the call was made. His eyes focused on the screen until he heard Chanyeol’s faint voice calling out to him from behind.
Turning around, Baekhyun saw as Chanyeol parted through the crowd of people walking in the opposite direction. Quickly, he glanced back down. Kyungsoo wasn’t answering.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I didn’t-- The drinking. I’ll stop. I won’t…” Chanyeol tried to catch his breath. From the looks of it, the boy had ran just to reach him. “Baek, I’m sorry… For being jealous, for doing things like that… For being an ass tonight, to be honest, and--”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear an apology from you…” Baekhyun had no appetite to forgive the boy for anything. Aside from his rudeness that night, there was nothing to apologize for. The brunet’s anger wasn’t directed towards him.
“No, I need to talk to you. I don’t know what you meant when you said you don’t like to end things feeling in debt. What’s ending? Us?” Chanyeol asked, stepping closer. “I don’t want to break up, Baekhyun… I really don’t, so I’m apologizing.”
“We’re not breaking up, Chanyeol. I didn’t mean anything by that,” Baekhyun muttered, looking at his phone again. Why was it taking the latter so long to answer? “I was just saying…”
“Baekhyun, you meant something by it whether or not you feel the same way now, and… Can you stop looking at your phone and look at me?” Chanyeol said demandingly, jerking Baekhyun’s eyes back to him. “Who’re you calling?”
“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun answered with hesitation.
Chanyeol said nothing for a moment. With a quick look at the boy’s hands, Baekhyun realized they were clenched into fists. “What is it with you and him?”
“We’re friends. I keep telling you we’re just friends, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun retorted, raising his voice. “How many times do I have to tell you that we’re nothing more than just--”
“But you’re so dependent on him!” Cursing to himself for shouting, Chanyeol hung his head for a second before looking back up. “Every time something’s wrong, your first thought is him. Like now. You run from me and you leave when I’m trying to tell you something just so you can run back to him. Maybe not as a lover, but when are you going to put me first? The person you want to call when things aren’t going well? Or maybe, the person you’re willing to fight with instead of running off and--”
“Because I don’t know you like I know him, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun cried, gripping his cellphone in his hand. The call had gone unanswered. “I’ve always known this, but I’ve never really realized it until now. Kyungsoo… He’s my friend--”
“So, you trust a friend more than you trust your own boyfriend…”
Baekhyun shrugged. Perhaps it was how things were. He had no argument. “I don’t know, Chanyeol. I don’t know.”
The expression on Chanyeol’s face was neutral, but his eyes told the story of his broken emotional state. Baekhyun closed his eyes for a second, wishing the bus would appear soon.
“Why can’t it be me?” Chanyeol asked softly. A gust of cool night air passed by, but it did nothing to cool either of their irritable tempers. “You know him so well because you used to spend a lot of time with him, Baek. But now, you and I are together. Why can’t you feel secure with me like you do with him? Because you don’t know every single thing about me yet? Then say something! Ask me questions. I don’t care--you know I don’t care, Baekhyun... I’m here for you and I know that you’re there for me, so why? Why him over me?”
Baekhyun pursed his lips. “Because I’m scared of trusting you.”
“Tell me why.”
“I can’t. I don’t know how to--”
“You know I’m so in love you that I would do anything for you, Baek. Tell me why you’re scared. I want to know why you’re scared to fully trust me even after all this time we’ve been together.” Chanyeol gulped, feeling slightly anxious and terrified over the possibilities. “I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. I don’t--”
Baekhyun shook his head. “You’re not the bad guy, Chanyeol. You never are.”
“Then answer me… If you’re more comfortable asking me something, then fine. Ask.”
The street was far from empty, but there were no vehicles stopping beside the waiting area. The bus was becoming inconvenient.
Baekhyun inhaled, looking at Chanyeol with a soft expression. “You were starting to think about it, too, weren’t you?”
“Think about what?”
“People… How there might be people better for me.” The way Chanyeol stared back at him had its repercussions. Baekhyun was beginning to feel sick. “There's always going to be people in between us, you know... Admit it. You were thinking about how Jihoon might be a better fit for me. It’s the exact same feeling I get when I see you with other people--people from your crowd of friends, Yeol.”
“Are you trying to change the subject because talking about that isn’t answering my question…”
“Well, it’s about to,” Baekhyun said, “because Kyungsoo called me earlier and said a few things. You asked me why I’m scared to trust you… It’s because we’re too different, and there are things I don’t know about you. Like tonight, I didn’t know about her until Kyungsoo told me…” He hung his head. “You should’ve said something about her earlier, Yeol… I must’ve seemed like a fool on the phone who didn’t even know about his boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and all that…”
“Ex…” Chanyeol’s breath hitched, taking a step forward, but no matter how many times he stepped closer and closer, Baekhyun always moved farther away. “You know about that?”
“Yeah… I know thanks to Kyungsoo, because you never would’ve said anything. And this is part of the reason why I can trust him. Kyungsoo's upfront--”
“He manipulates you! Why can’t you see that?” the giant cried, frustrated. “What did he tell you? That I was the father?”
“Are you?”
Giving the brunet a blank, appalled stare, Chanyeol gaped. “No! I told you before. I’m a virgin. Are you doubting that?”
Baekhyun took too long to answer back. The athlete took it as hesitation.
Shaking his head, Chanyeol put his hands to his waist. He wanted to stop fighting already. There were people passing by looking at them like they were late night soap opera, but he knew he couldn’t leave things as they were.
“She was my girlfriend months ago, Baek. At the time, yeah, I loved her.” Chanyeol made sure to watch Baekhyun’s facial expressions closely. “But she cheated on me with some guy from another school. I don’t know, maybe it was to spite me for not doing anything with her, but… The baby’s not mine. That’s the point.”
Baekhyun stood still. The world was beginning to tilt on him. “You said she cheated on you? With a boy from another school…”
“Yeah. I know him by face, but his name’s a little--”
“He plays basketball, doesn’t he?”
Chanyeol felt a feeling in his stomach. “He does… How do you know that?”
The phone in his hand began to vibrate, but Baekhyun was all too preoccupied. He wanted nothing more than to drop down to his knees and forget everything. He fought with the voice inside his head that mocked him for being so stupid.
Kyungsoo had said it before. He had warned him over and over like a broken record, and yet, he never heeded the president’s remarks.
Baekhyun was drained. He looked at Chanyeol with eyes that panged with grief. He never meant to look like he was on the verge of tears, but he was already walking on the edge.
“How many people did you date after you broke up with her, Chanyeol?” he asked faintly. “Before you asked me out.”
“Baekhyun--”
“Give me a number,” Baekhyun pleaded. “At least give me that.”
Chanyeol sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe four,” he said without pride. “I loved her a lot, Baek. I thought it’d be easier to move on if I just… you know.”
“Dated other people.”
“Yeah… I know, it’s stupid, but none of it was ever serious… I was just dating them to date them. It never meant anything to me.”
Baekhyun looked down. His phone had stopped vibrating, meaning he missed the call.
Biting down on his bottom lip wasn’t doing anything about the dryness he felt in his throat. It only made it worse, but ironically, he didn’t feel like he could break down in front of the very person he was supposed to be completely open with…
Months ago, a few days prior to his confession about his virginal state, Chanyeol had kissed a girl at one of the home games. Baekhyun remembered her. Kyungsoo was speaking about her boyfriend and the baby, pointing at Chanyeol so casually as if he already knew--and he did. All along, Kyungsoo knew, but he chose to believe in Chanyeol’s soft spoken words when their relationship was only juvenile.
Chanyeol’s girlfriend wasn’t showing at the time, possibly being that she was only ten or twelve weeks along her term. If they broke up the moment she told him that he wasn’t the father, subsequently revealing her infidelity, then that meant Chanyeol wasn’t single for very long, dating the other four people for only a short amount of time each before approaching Baekhyun.
The thought of being a number was painful. Kyungsoo had used him like an object, pushing him away and discarding him when the president wanted nothing more than to be alone, but Chanyeol was breaking him even worse than Kyungsoo ever did.
The moment the athlete saw him, he was just an object with a number. It was a hard pill to swallow…
Baekhyun’s breathing was shallow. His anxiety had taken over. He was on the verge of collapsing, but he couldn’t do it. Not in front of Chanyeol. Not in public.
He realized then that he had strayed too far from his comfort zone. Dating Chanyeol was exactly what he warned himself in the very beginning. A mistake.
Laughing bitterly, he met Chanyeol’s eyes again. The giant was worried, confused, and conflicted, but Baekhyun was blind to it all. He couldn’t tear his focus away from the heavy feeling on his chest that threatened to drag him to the ground.
“I guess that makes me number five, doesn’t it?” His voice was tight. “I’m rebound number five to you.”
The color in Chanyeol’s face drained. He desperately tried to reach out, but Baekhyun only shook his head. His touch was unwanted.
“Baekhyun, no. Please, stop,” the giant begged. He sounded strained. “It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t--”
The cell phone rang again, and this time, Baekhyun pressed his thumb on the green icon without dragging it across to answer the call.
“Did I look easy to you? Is that why you approached me?” Baekhyun’s voice cracked. “You told me you’d see me in the library or just out on my own some time… I looked easy because I never had people around me, right? You thought that I’d automatically cling to you like some desperate individual hungry for any type of attention that I can get because that's how it is with people like me. I look so fucking sad to people like you! You judge based on appearances, and according to stereotype, I'm the type to be desperate for any social interaction, isn't that it!?”
“Don’t cry, Baek. Please, don’t…” Chanyeol lifted a hand, but froze the second he remembered the brunet wouldn’t allow the contact. “I was stupid back then. I didn’t know what I was doing--”
“You knew, Chanyeol… That’s the thing. You did know what you were doing…” Baekhyun let another call go unanswered. “You did it because you wanted to forget her and the other four weren’t cutting it… They weren’t helping you forget.”
Chanyeol had no argument.
“I suppose when I kept rejecting you, that kept your mind off her,” Baekhyun said, giving a small, hollow smile. “I kept you so busy with trying to win me over. That’s why you never stopped following me and calling me and kissing me like I actually mattered to you. I was your drug… I made you forget her exactly the way you wanted and--”
“It was never entirely about her!” Chanyeol cried. “At first, maybe… Maybe I did want to get over her, but not to that extent, Baek.”
“You know, I kind of always knew you were too good for me. I thought it must’ve been a joke for you to like me in the first place, but after a while, you convinced me otherwise. For a minute there, you made me feel kind of special. Wanted in the way I used to dream of Kyungsoo wanting me…” Baekhyun’s voice trailed off as he drew his wet eyes to the ground.
“Baek…”
“I guess my first instinct was right, though. It was a joke, but it’s funny actually--and a little bit ironic, Chanyeol.” The athlete could hear the brunet’s soft sniffling as he brought a hand to his eyes, wiping away the tears that finally gave way. “It’s ironic because I’m not laughing at this joke. I’m crying. Just the complete opposite…”
For the third time, Kyungsoo called. Without a word, Baekhyun turned his back against Chanyeol and answered, trying to speak coherently as he recomposed himself. His voice, however, gave him away.
Within a minute, Baekhyun hung up, looking back at the street. Their relationship was cracked, but the brunet didn’t want to say it was broken for fear that his words would cement their fate. Everything was too new and fresh. They needed space from each other. For himself, Baekhyun knew he desperately had to have it in order to reorganize his thoughts and how he felt without feeling completely blind sided or stupid over realizations.
He hailed a cab once, and upon seeing a car beginning to head his way, he looked back at Chanyeol who stared back at him with a defeated look on his face. As much as Baekhyun wanted to punch him and curse him for his stupidity, there was a part of him that still wanted to kiss him--and not as a good-bye.
As the cab came to a halt, Baekhyun sighed. He put his hand on the handle, contemplating if he should immediately get inside and leave without another word or not, but he ultimately decided against it.
Any tone of anger and bitterness was gone. All that was left was disappointment and stagnant sadness.
“Get home safely, Chanyeol. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk again. For now, I think we should give each other time. Good-night…” Baekhyun bit his tongue. He almost said I love you...
Nodding sullenly, Chanyeol mustered up the strength to smile as Baekhyun got into the car, waving at the dark, tinted windows. “Good-night, Baek…” he said before dropping his feigned, god-awful smile and quietly said the words Baekhyun had stopped himself from saying.
Polarity
The world could’ve been falling and collapsing around him and even then, it would have all be in the farthest corner of Baekhyun’s mind. Time had passed since the call with Kyungsoo ended, but there was something in him that kept him from stepping back inside the restaurant. If he had his way, he would’ve walked off, away from the damn place, but for what reason?
Walking away and leaving without a word to clear his chaotic mind would’ve sufficed him, but Baekhyun refused to succumb to such a cowardly move. Crouched down outside, refusing to re-enter the establishment wasn’t any less cowardly, but merely less of a dramatic decision.
Time had become something so irrelevant, Baekhyun never realized how long he had been outside until he heard someone calling his name from inside, the voice growing louder and louder the closer the individual got to the entrance. Slowly standing, Baekhyun put the cellular device out of sight, slipping it in one of his back pocket.
Chanyeol stood just outside the door, looking down at the sullen male who kept his face away from him. “Baekhyun.”
“What?”
“Are you coming back inside? Why’re you out here?” Apologizing to those who were trying to make their way out, Chanyeol bowed his head before stepping outside himself, joining Baekhyun against the restaurant wall. When Baekhyun didn’t care to respond, the player’s concern did nothing but continue to burn. “Tell me what’s wrong--”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Baekhyun said, cutting him off. Glancing up and meeting the way Chanyeol’s eyes were trying to break him down analytically, he pushed his hair back, letting the strands fall wherever they may. “I needed some air… I didn’t mean to worry you. I should’ve gone back in as soon as--”
“You’ve been out here for ten minutes.”
“Right. So let’s go back inside, then.”
As Baekhyun tried to walk around him, Chanyeol brazenly threw his arm out, keeping the brunet from walking back in. “Did he say something that upset you?”
“Yes.” It was said bluntly. Baekhyun didn’t spare any curiosities left unsatisfied. “He did.”
The way he shook Chanyeol’s hand off, briskly and coldy, started a feeling so displeasing in the pit of the giant's stomach. “Do you want to talk to me?”
“No... I don't.” Baekhyun looked at him for the first time, eyes clouded with disappointment and a faint glint of sadness. “There's nothing to talk about.”
Chanyeol pursed his lips. “Well, there has to be. You look upset.”
“Maybe because you're--” Immediately after the words slipped out, Baekhyun brought his hand to his lips. He drew his eyes back down. “Nevermind. Jihoon and the others are wondering where we are.”
Baekhyun had the slight expectation that the other would follow, but when he looked back, Chanyeol hadn't moved from his spot. It was discouraging. He didn't have the desire to talk any further, but the latter seemed to have no motivation to walk with him. Wretched from his initial decision, Baekhyun turned back for the athlete.
“Chanyeol, I don't know how drunk you are right now, but we need to go back inside--”
“He said he likes Papa Roach... Listens to Seether and all of that. Dabbles in Drowning Pool some days, other times in Metallica.” With his shoulders slumped, Chanyeol avoided the way Baekhyun tried to meet his eyes. “Guy has tattoo sleeves on both arms. I don't doubt there's some on his body. He said he's also part of a band... Wears the same stuff you do, likes the same music you do... And then there's me.”
Baekhyun couldn't breathe. It felt like he was an animal, cornered by multiple preys. He felt ambushed by Kyungsoo, the rumors, and Chanyeol's jealous insecurities.
He closed his eyes, seeking comfort from the darkness. The voices in his head did nothing to comfort him. Things were too chaotic. A disorganized mess would do nothing for the betterment of anyone.
“Chanyeol, stop. You're drunk, I get that.”
“I'm not drunk, Baekhyun. A few shots don't do anything to me.”
“And why is that?” Baekhyun asked, sounding spiteful. He didn't mean anything by it, except his anger unhinged his filter. Chanyeol looked beyond betrayed by the way he was spoken to, sensing the trust between them beginning to wither and fade by the second. “Do you drink often? With your friends... With kids who do this kind of thing?”
“Baekhyun--”
“Answer my question, Chanyeol.”
Regardless of his statement, the alcohol did have an effect on him. Chanyeol couldn't admit to it. The polite and soft spoken giant had disappeared, though not completely. It untightened the tense boy, allowing loose his words and desires.
“Yeah. I do.” Chanyeol gave no indication of being apologetic about his confession. It was all said in blatant bitterness as if to jab the other's feelings. “I get invited to parties. I don't go all the time, but when I'm free, I go... Don't look so upset--Is that why you stayed out here? Because I was drinking--”
“No.”
“Well, you look even worse now that I just told you why.” Chanyeol tried to touch him but Baekhyun stepped to the side. “Talk to me, please.”
“It won't matter... It won't matter at all.” Baekhyun kept his eyes low. “No matter how many times we talk, it won't matter, because I still won't know anything about you, Yeol...”
Chanyeol was a figure too good to be true. His flaws were miniscule, often ones Baekhyun found too juvenile to account for. But the light on him was beginning to dim. He was the sun, but the day was beginning to set. In the natural order of things, night would eventually have its time.
“Why’re you saying that?” Chanyeol asked, voice rough and faint. “You know everything there is to know about me. I haven't hid anything from you, Baek.”
“Are you kidding me? I didn’t know you drank. You're lying to me right now.” Laughing softly, Baekhyun shrugged. “But that's fine. This is Korea and, besides that matter, I lied to you about eating, so I guess it makes us even in the end. I don't like ending things feeling like I'm in debt.”
“No, Baekhyun. That's not--”
“I'll apologize to the others when I'm at work next time... I think I need to go home, because I’m not in the mood for any of this anymore.”
Turning to his left would’ve forced Baekhyun to walk through an alley way, and at that time of night, it wouldn’t have been so wise. But going right meant having to deal with Chanyeol’s massive body looming over him, ready to stop him at any given moment. However, much to his surprise, Chanyeol did nothing when he slipped past him, heading towards the main street.
Maybe it was for the best. Baekhyun could still feel his head throbbing over the situation. It wasn’t so much Chanyeol’s drinking or the fact that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant that bothered him, though her pregnancy did tick him off in the strongest way possible. There were so many things that he didn’t know about him despite how Chanyeol seemed to soak in every single detail about him, memorizing it all like the back of his hand.
He walked fast for no reason beyond his need to leave and reach home as quickly as possible. He planned to take the bus, but held little hope in making the bus’ closest schedule.
Despite the noises and people around him, Baekhyun felt isolated. Kyungsoo was always one call away. Going home where Chanyeol could easily barge in and try to coax him out of his shell seemed like a daunting thought. He didn’t need the boy making him feel better, because the brunet knew that the giant definitely would appease him. Chanyeol would try and he’d succumb, but Baekhyun knew it was dangerous. With Chanyeol, his eyes were always closed. For the first time since they began dating, they were peeking open.
He hadn’t been blind to their differences. Obviously, Chanyeol derived from a different crowd, but when they were together, he often forgot about it. Baekhyun knew he needed the reminder that he wasn’t the only person in Chanyeol’s world. He wasn’t the sole proprietor of his attention. He had other friends, other people. The giant did things without him knowing about every single one of them, and that was fine, except for the issue that Baekhyun felt too detached with other aspects of Chanyeol’s life.
For instance, the athlete’s ex-girlfriend. As far as he knew, she was pregnant, according to Kyungsoo, and despite his various faults, Kyungsoo would never spare him a lie. In the president’s eyes, all lies came to an inevitable fall, so why should one individual waste time lying to another? It was pointless.
The ex-girlfriend's pregnancy was fresh information to him. There hadn’t been any word of a pregnant teen at their school besides Kyungsoo’s ex-vice president. Baekhyun wasn't up-to-date. He was beginning to become weary of listening to rumours around school--unlike Kyungsoo who liked investigating and learning more about the secrets of others. Chanyeol’s ex-girlfriend could've gone to another school for all he knew.
The possibility that his ex-girlfriend was Kyungsoo’s ex-vice president never truly crossed his mind. He would’ve known right away. Chanyeol would’ve told him, at least…
Baekhyun growled, kicking an abandoned flyer on the ground away from his feet. Would Chanyeol have said something? He wasn’t sure. The hope wasn’t there no matter how hard Baekhyun tried to pretend that it was. The athlete wouldn’t have said anything. He didn’t even talk about his ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy.
The brunet almost laughed for even having hope.
Kyungsoo never specified if Chanyeol was the father, and Baekhyun couldn’t tell by his tone if the latter was subtly hinting that his boyfriend was or if he wasn’t. Way before, when they first met, the giant had been nothing but shy and gentle, traits most virgins had, and when he confessed that he had never engaged in any type of sexual activity, Baekhyun believed him, not finding the confession too hard to imagine.
But she was pregnant, and by the laws of nature, there needed to be a father. If Chanyeol was him, then he wasn’t a virgin and he lied about the matter. If so, then why?
Baekhyun walked briskly, muttering his apologies to those he accidentally touched or pushed. The bus stop wasn’t too far from his sight. No one bothered to ask if he was fine despite him looking terribly awful, but what did he expect from the world…
He took his phone out from his pocket. Sleeping over at Kyungsoo’s house was never an odd thing, especially with the boy’s father frequently absent around the house. Baekhyun’s parents never thought anything of it either, and neither did he.
His thumb loomed over Kyungsoo’s contact information before pressing against the green call icon. Never putting the phone to his ear, Baekhyun watched as the call was made. His eyes focused on the screen until he heard Chanyeol’s faint voice calling out to him from behind.
Turning around, Baekhyun saw as Chanyeol parted through the crowd of people walking in the opposite direction. Quickly, he glanced back down. Kyungsoo wasn’t answering.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I didn’t-- The drinking. I’ll stop. I won’t…” Chanyeol tried to catch his breath. From the looks of it, the boy had ran just to reach him. “Baek, I’m sorry… For being jealous, for doing things like that… For being an ass tonight, to be honest, and--”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear an apology from you…” Baekhyun had no appetite to forgive the boy for anything. Aside from his rudeness that night, there was nothing to apologize for. The brunet’s anger wasn’t directed towards him.
“No, I need to talk to you. I don’t know what you meant when you said you don’t like to end things feeling in debt. What’s ending? Us?” Chanyeol asked, stepping closer. “I don’t want to break up, Baekhyun… I really don’t, so I’m apologizing.”
“We’re not breaking up, Chanyeol. I didn’t mean anything by that,” Baekhyun muttered, looking at his phone again. Why was it taking the latter so long to answer? “I was just saying…”
“Baekhyun, you meant something by it whether or not you feel the same way now, and… Can you stop looking at your phone and look at me?” Chanyeol said demandingly, jerking Baekhyun’s eyes back to him. “Who’re you calling?”
“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun answered with hesitation.
Chanyeol said nothing for a moment. With a quick look at the boy’s hands, Baekhyun realized they were clenched into fists. “What is it with you and him?”
“We’re friends. I keep telling you we’re just friends, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun retorted, raising his voice. “How many times do I have to tell you that we’re nothing more than just--”
“But you’re so dependent on him!” Cursing to himself for shouting, Chanyeol hung his head for a second before looking back up. “Every time something’s wrong, your first thought is him. Like now. You run from me and you leave when I’m trying to tell you something just so you can run back to him. Maybe not as a lover, but when are you going to put me first? The person you want to call when things aren’t going well? Or maybe, the person you’re willing to fight with instead of running off and--”
“Because I don’t know you like I know him, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun cried, gripping his cellphone in his hand. The call had gone unanswered. “I’ve always known this, but I’ve never really realized it until now. Kyungsoo… He’s my friend--”
“So, you trust a friend more than you trust your own boyfriend…”
Baekhyun shrugged. Perhaps it was how things were. He had no argument. “I don’t know, Chanyeol. I don’t know.”
The expression on Chanyeol’s face was neutral, but his eyes told the story of his broken emotional state. Baekhyun closed his eyes for a second, wishing the bus would appear soon.
“Why can’t it be me?” Chanyeol asked softly. A gust of cool night air passed by, but it did nothing to cool either of their irritable tempers. “You know him so well because you used to spend a lot of time with him, Baek. But now, you and I are together. Why can’t you feel secure with me like you do with him? Because you don’t know every single thing about me yet? Then say something! Ask me questions. I don’t care--you know I don’t care, Baekhyun... I’m here for you and I know that you’re there for me, so why? Why him over me?”
Baekhyun pursed his lips. “Because I’m scared of trusting you.”
“Tell me why.”
“I can’t. I don’t know how to--”
“You know I’m so in love you that I would do anything for you, Baek. Tell me why you’re scared. I want to know why you’re scared to fully trust me even after all this time we’ve been together.” Chanyeol gulped, feeling slightly anxious and terrified over the possibilities. “I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore. I don’t--”
Baekhyun shook his head. “You’re not the bad guy, Chanyeol. You never are.”
“Then answer me… If you’re more comfortable asking me something, then fine. Ask.”
The street was far from empty, but there were no vehicles stopping beside the waiting area. The bus was becoming inconvenient.
Baekhyun inhaled, looking at Chanyeol with a soft expression. “You were starting to think about it, too, weren’t you?”
“Think about what?”
“People… How there might be people better for me.” The way Chanyeol stared back at him had its repercussions. Baekhyun was beginning to feel sick. “There's always going to be people in between us, you know... Admit it. You were thinking about how Jihoon might be a better fit for me. It’s the exact same feeling I get when I see you with other people--people from your crowd of friends, Yeol.”
“Are you trying to change the subject because talking about that isn’t answering my question…”
“Well, it’s about to,” Baekhyun said, “because Kyungsoo called me earlier and said a few things. You asked me why I’m scared to trust you… It’s because we’re too different, and there are things I don’t know about you. Like tonight, I didn’t know about her until Kyungsoo told me…” He hung his head. “You should’ve said something about her earlier, Yeol… I must’ve seemed like a fool on the phone who didn’t even know about his boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and all that…”
“Ex…” Chanyeol’s breath hitched, taking a step forward, but no matter how many times he stepped closer and closer, Baekhyun always moved farther away. “You know about that?”
“Yeah… I know thanks to Kyungsoo, because you never would’ve said anything. And this is part of the reason why I can trust him. Kyungsoo's upfront--”
“He manipulates you! Why can’t you see that?” the giant cried, frustrated. “What did he tell you? That I was the father?”
“Are you?”
Giving the brunet a blank, appalled stare, Chanyeol gaped. “No! I told you before. I’m a virgin. Are you doubting that?”
Baekhyun took too long to answer back. The athlete took it as hesitation.
Shaking his head, Chanyeol put his hands to his waist. He wanted to stop fighting already. There were people passing by looking at them like they were late night soap opera, but he knew he couldn’t leave things as they were.
“She was my girlfriend months ago, Baek. At the time, yeah, I loved her.” Chanyeol made sure to watch Baekhyun’s facial expressions closely. “But she cheated on me with some guy from another school. I don’t know, maybe it was to spite me for not doing anything with her, but… The baby’s not mine. That’s the point.”
Baekhyun stood still. The world was beginning to tilt on him. “You said she cheated on you? With a boy from another school…”
“Yeah. I know him by face, but his name’s a little--”
“He plays basketball, doesn’t he?”
Chanyeol felt a feeling in his stomach. “He does… How do you know that?”
The phone in his hand began to vibrate, but Baekhyun was all too preoccupied. He wanted nothing more than to drop down to his knees and forget everything. He fought with the voice inside his head that mocked him for being so stupid.
Kyungsoo had said it before. He had warned him over and over like a broken record, and yet, he never heeded the president’s remarks.
Baekhyun was drained. He looked at Chanyeol with eyes that panged with grief. He never meant to look like he was on the verge of tears, but he was already walking on the edge.
“How many people did you date after you broke up with her, Chanyeol?” he asked faintly. “Before you asked me out.”
“Baekhyun--”
“Give me a number,” Baekhyun pleaded. “At least give me that.”
Chanyeol sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe four,” he said without pride. “I loved her a lot, Baek. I thought it’d be easier to move on if I just… you know.”
“Dated other people.”
“Yeah… I know, it’s stupid, but none of it was ever serious… I was just dating them to date them. It never meant anything to me.”
Baekhyun looked down. His phone had stopped vibrating, meaning he missed the call.
Biting down on his bottom lip wasn’t doing anything about the dryness he felt in his throat. It only made it worse, but ironically, he didn’t feel like he could break down in front of the very person he was supposed to be completely open with…
Months ago, a few days prior to his confession about his virginal state, Chanyeol had kissed a girl at one of the home games. Baekhyun remembered her. Kyungsoo was speaking about her boyfriend and the baby, pointing at Chanyeol so casually as if he already knew--and he did. All along, Kyungsoo knew, but he chose to believe in Chanyeol’s soft spoken words when their relationship was only juvenile.
Chanyeol’s girlfriend wasn’t showing at the time, possibly being that she was only ten or twelve weeks along her term. If they broke up the moment she told him that he wasn’t the father, subsequently revealing her infidelity, then that meant Chanyeol wasn’t single for very long, dating the other four people for only a short amount of time each before approaching Baekhyun.
The thought of being a number was painful. Kyungsoo had used him like an object, pushing him away and discarding him when the president wanted nothing more than to be alone, but Chanyeol was breaking him even worse than Kyungsoo ever did.
The moment the athlete saw him, he was just an object with a number. It was a hard pill to swallow…
Baekhyun’s breathing was shallow. His anxiety had taken over. He was on the verge of collapsing, but he couldn’t do it. Not in front of Chanyeol. Not in public.
He realized then that he had strayed too far from his comfort zone. Dating Chanyeol was exactly what he warned himself in the very beginning. A mistake.
Laughing bitterly, he met Chanyeol’s eyes again. The giant was worried, confused, and conflicted, but Baekhyun was blind to it all. He couldn’t tear his focus away from the heavy feeling on his chest that threatened to drag him to the ground.
“I guess that makes me number five, doesn’t it?” His voice was tight. “I’m rebound number five to you.”
The color in Chanyeol’s face drained. He desperately tried to reach out, but Baekhyun only shook his head. His touch was unwanted.
“Baekhyun, no. Please, stop,” the giant begged. He sounded strained. “It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t--”
The cell phone rang again, and this time, Baekhyun pressed his thumb on the green icon without dragging it across to answer the call.
“Did I look easy to you? Is that why you approached me?” Baekhyun’s voice cracked. “You told me you’d see me in the library or just out on my own some time… I looked easy because I never had people around me, right? You thought that I’d automatically cling to you like some desperate individual hungry for any type of attention that I can get because that's how it is with people like me. I look so fucking sad to people like you! You judge based on appearances, and according to stereotype, I'm the type to be desperate for any social interaction, isn't that it!?”
“Don’t cry, Baek. Please, don’t…” Chanyeol lifted a hand, but froze the second he remembered the brunet wouldn’t allow the contact. “I was stupid back then. I didn’t know what I was doing--”
“You knew, Chanyeol… That’s the thing. You did know what you were doing…” Baekhyun let another call go unanswered. “You did it because you wanted to forget her and the other four weren’t cutting it… They weren’t helping you forget.”
Chanyeol had no argument.
“I suppose when I kept rejecting you, that kept your mind off her,” Baekhyun said, giving a small, hollow smile. “I kept you so busy with trying to win me over. That’s why you never stopped following me and calling me and kissing me like I actually mattered to you. I was your drug… I made you forget her exactly the way you wanted and--”
“It was never entirely about her!” Chanyeol cried. “At first, maybe… Maybe I did want to get over her, but not to that extent, Baek.”
“You know, I kind of always knew you were too good for me. I thought it must’ve been a joke for you to like me in the first place, but after a while, you convinced me otherwise. For a minute there, you made me feel kind of special. Wanted in the way I used to dream of Kyungsoo wanting me…” Baekhyun’s voice trailed off as he drew his wet eyes to the ground.
“Baek…”
“I guess my first instinct was right, though. It was a joke, but it’s funny actually--and a little bit ironic, Chanyeol.” The athlete could hear the brunet’s soft sniffling as he brought a hand to his eyes, wiping away the tears that finally gave way. “It’s ironic because I’m not laughing at this joke. I’m crying. Just the complete opposite…”
For the third time, Kyungsoo called. Without a word, Baekhyun turned his back against Chanyeol and answered, trying to speak coherently as he recomposed himself. His voice, however, gave him away.
Within a minute, Baekhyun hung up, looking back at the street. Their relationship was cracked, but the brunet didn’t want to say it was broken for fear that his words would cement their fate. Everything was too new and fresh. They needed space from each other. For himself, Baekhyun knew he desperately had to have it in order to reorganize his thoughts and how he felt without feeling completely blind sided or stupid over realizations.
He hailed a cab once, and upon seeing a car beginning to head his way, he looked back at Chanyeol who stared back at him with a defeated look on his face. As much as Baekhyun wanted to punch him and curse him for his stupidity, there was a part of him that still wanted to kiss him--and not as a good-bye.
As the cab came to a halt, Baekhyun sighed. He put his hand on the handle, contemplating if he should immediately get inside and leave without another word or not, but he ultimately decided against it.
Any tone of anger and bitterness was gone. All that was left was disappointment and stagnant sadness.
“Get home safely, Chanyeol. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk again. For now, I think we should give each other time. Good-night…” Baekhyun bit his tongue. He almost said I love you...
Nodding sullenly, Chanyeol mustered up the strength to smile as Baekhyun got into the car, waving at the dark, tinted windows. “Good-night, Baek…” he said before dropping his feigned, god-awful smile and quietly said the words Baekhyun had stopped himself from saying.
[[previous chapter]] [[next chapter]]
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woah
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I cry!!!!!!π’π’π’
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THE ANGSSTTTT
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*sobs*
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I honestly feel sorry for Chanyeol... weird
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Ahhh~ Senpai, please, be gentle with my heart
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*sobs*
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himnae to both of them..! i dunno who to support anymore.. huhuhu.. i feel sorry to baekhyun for what chanyeol's did to him and sorry to chanyeol too for baekhyun misunderstanding his feeling to him.. i hope chanyeol's feeling to baekhyun is real.. not only using him anymore..
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Why γ γ γ γ
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"Baekhyun, no. Please, stop"
Me : /whine/ OH SHIT JUST GOT SAD!
"Don't cry, Baek. Please, don't"
Me : WTF BAEK JUST CRY!!!
I love this kind of conflicts hahaha thanks Faraβ€
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I was sooo confused at first but then things clicked and I understand why Baekhyun felt that way. I just hope they won't do anything stupid while they're taking a break.
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LIKE KISS KYUNGSOO OO O O O OO
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NO HOE DONT DO IT
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I'm sorry, I should've write a comment a soon as I finished but I wanted to control myself a little and now I'm mad.
Also, where the hell is Luhan? Did he just disappeared or am I the only loser who doesn't remember what happened to him?
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applause to baek for still thinking straight after all that shit practically slapped him in the face. even i can feel the resignation.
shitty situation at a shitty timing is shitty. i feel like shit.
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Baek's maturity is A++++++++ he makes decision with both his heart and brain ugh he's the man
Chanyeol is initially wrong and i just hope baekhyun realize that all this time chanyeol's feel for him is real and they live happily ever after tho im sure it could be like 10+ chaps away, right?
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this is too much for me... I can't.
THE SHIT GOT REAL, EVERYONE! HOLD TIGHT!
*faints*
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And now have to tell you Like Night and Day is sooooo good!! I actually think it is my favorite of the three! I can't even describe in words how PERFECT your writing is!!<3
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woah