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The Letter 40
Chapter 40
More Than I Should
—The morning after Lay’s party at Kai’s house—
Kyungsoo felt his breathing hinder. “What?” he croaked out.
“Me,” Kai repeated, grinning down at Kyungsoo on the floor. “You gave me your first time, Kyung.”
The way he was breathing would’ve eventually led Kyungsoo to hyperventilate into his own death. Kai noticed this and hopped off the bed. He took Kyungsoo by the arm and helped him up. The grin he had on earlier disappeared and was replaced by a deep frown. “Why do you look like that?”
After being set on the bed, Kyungsoo replied, but hung his head, not taking the effort to look at Kai. “Look like what?”
Kair glared as he lifted a hand to force Kyungsoo to meet his gaze. “Look at me when we’re talking ,damn it.” He studied Kyungsoo’s face for a moment, as if to decipher what was going on inside his mind. “Now. Give me an answer.”
With his lips quivering, Kyungsoo answered. “I-I don’t know, Kai.”
Scrunching his brows, Kai asked in a hard tone, “What do you mean you don’t know?”
The inside of Kyungsoo’s mind immediately raced. He knew exactly why he was acting the way he was, but he didn’t know how to break his thoughts to Kai gently. Thinking, Kyungsoo figured quickly that the best way to get his thoughts out there was to just say them. “Can we…Can we pretend that last night never happened?” he said quietly, almost in a whisper.
Kai froze as he gaped at Kyungsoo with a hurt look featured on his face. “What did you say?”
“Pretend—Pretend that this didn’t…that this didn’t happen,” Kyungsoo stuttered out.
Kai clenched his fists against his naked sides and the muscles in his jaws tightened. “No.”
Kyungsoo looked down when he heard the rejection. “I-I just don’t want—”
“—No—”
“—I don’t want this to ruin our friendship!” Kyungsoo cried out, clutching onto the sheets.
Scowling, Kai growled, “What happened last night’s not going to fuck our relationship up.” He took a hand and ripped the sheets covering Kyungsoo’s body away, leaving him openly naked. When Kyungsoo tried to retrieve the sheets back in a shy fit, Kai took him by the arm, keeping him still. “Ignoring it will.”
“Kai, please, you don’t understand! I—”
“No, Kyung! You don’t understand!” Kai lifted up Kyungsoo’s head again. “You can’t even fucking walk and you fucking expect the both of us to forget about this?”
“I don’t even remember what happened!” Kyungsoo ripped Kai’s hold on his chin away and buried his face in his hands. “And I don’t want to lose you as a friend. You were probably just helping me out, which…which is fine.” No, it isn’t, Kyungsoo silently thought. “I like you Kai, but…”
“But what, Kyungsoo? But what?”
“That’s it… I like you,” Kyungsoo said, stressing the word.
Kai was taken aback. “I don’t fucking see how that’s a problem.” He tried to keep the rising emotions seeping up inside of him down, but Kai had a hard time doing that. Like…Did Kyungsoo mean it differently than the normal definition of the word? Kai wanted to know. He pushed on. “ What do you mean by like anyways?” he asked a little too aggressively.
The tone of his voice made Kyungsoo flinch. What if he thinks that the way I feel about him is disgusting? Kyungsoo’s eyes traveled to the bed under him. He must’ve s-slept with me to calm my nerves…maybe being a virgin was keeping me from being successful—But I don’t want to be successful. I don’t want a girl. I—Kyungsoo blinked. I don’t want a girl…I want Kai. Kyungsoo looked back at the male in front of him. “Oh my god…”
“Kyung—”
“Kai, I’m sorry. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Kyungsoo went back to panic mode. “You and I, we…we were just supposed to be friends. You were supposed to help me become someone girls would want, because, heck, girls like you, don’t they?” They do, but I hate that…“I wasn’t supposed to...” Kyungsoo looked at his position. “I did something last night, didn’t I? I begged you to do this with me? Did I slip up? Did—”
“Kyungsoo, shut up and quit rambling.” Kai grimaced. He paced around naked, stomping his feet as he went. “I get it. You never expected this to happen and you don’t want to remember it—not that you even can,” he said, bitterly. “And for the record, you didn’t fucking beg me. If anything, I fucking begged you.”
Kyungsoo gulped. “What…what do you mean you begged me?”
Kai paused with his bare back turned to Kyungsoo. “You really don’t get it…” He sighed and turned back to face the guy, who he wanted to hit, yet kiss at the moment. “You were going to lose your virginity to someone else.”
It was silent between them for a while. “Why…Why didn’t I?” Kyungsoo asked out of curiosity.
“Because I stepped the fuck in, Kyung!” Kai replied in a hoarse voice. “I stepped in because I didn’t want your first time to be with some slut or with someone you didn’t even fucking know. I wanted—”
Kyungsoo wanted a different answer. He anticipated one, but what Kai gave him was not what he was looking for. “—So you took it because you felt sorry for me for almost having sex with someone I didn’t kn—”
Kai snapped. “I didn’t take you out of pity! Or as a fucking favor!” Angrily, Kai stalked back to the bed. There, he pushed Kyungsoo flat on his back. “I didn’t fucking take you to teach you shit for future fucking reference when you’re off fucking with somebody else! I didn’t take you for myself for any of those god damn reasons!”
“Then why did you?” Kyungsoo said in a hushed whisper. He wanted a definite answer…
“Because I’m in love with some fucking idiot too naïve to realize how fucking sick I’ve been these past few weeks pretending like I gave a fuck about him losing his virginity to some girl.” Kai stared Kyungsoo right in the eye. “And since this guy is naïve beyond belief, I’ll just say this point blank: you. I’m talking about you.” He paused. “I took you because I didn’t want anyone else to have you, but me, you ass.”
Kyungsoo felt his throat go dry and his heart beat right out of his chest. “I…I’m sorry.”
“For what, Kyung? Sorry for—fucking—what?”
“For not noticing…” he said, brokenly. He felt awful that Kai was like this. How had he not noticed? He was watching Kai every second of the fucking day because he was just…he was just him. Kyungsoo didn’t understand how he could’ve missed the signs. How did he miss the moments when Kai was upset? Maybe he mistook those moments and signs as Kai being frustrated with his inability to attract a girl or something...
Kai felt his lips sadly twitch upwards. “Is that all you have to say? You’re not going to explain to me what you meant by ‘like’ a while ago? Or was I just being stupid, thinking that—”
“You’re not stupid...”
“You’re right. I’m not. You are,” Kai said, putting on a sad grin. He leaned off Kyungsoo, leasing him from his towering trap before beginning to walk away to go retrieve some clothes. “You can leave if you want. We’ll forget about this.”
“But—”
“I’ll give you some of my clothes. Just give them back on Monday—”
“But Kai—”
“And, Kyung? I’m sorry about taking your virginity with your sober cons—”
“Kai, shut the fuck up!” Kyungsoo yelled. The moment he cursed, Kyungsoo’s eyes grew big, as did Kai’s.
“Excuse me?” Kai said once he got over the shock.
“Forget what I said. I don’t want to pretend like nothing happened. I don’t want that. I—”
“Why? You feel sorry for me now?”
“No! It’s because…by ‘like’ I really meant it,” Kyungsoo said. “I do like you, but more than what should be considered normal between two friends… I thought you’d be grossed out—”
Kai stalked back to Kyungsoo. “When did you realize you felt this way?” he asked, holding Kyungsoo by the shoulders.
“M-Maybe a few weeks ago, but I just…I didn’t really think anything about it!” Kyungsoo replied. “I thought I just really liked having you around, but whenever girls would come over and try to talk to you and stuff, I’d get…I’d get angry, but I didn’t know why. I just—I was confused back then, Kai.”
Kyungsoo took a moment to breathe. “But now that I know you feel the same way—I mean, kinda. You’re a little…” Kyungsoo let out a meek laugh. “You’re a little bit more aggressively adamant about how you feel than I am…”
Kai grinned. “Kyung, for confirmation’s sake, tell me that you’re basically telling me that you like me more than a friend right now.”
“I-I like you…” Kai raised a brow, indicating for him to add the rest. “…more than a…a friend.”
“More than a friend and a gym buddy?”
“Now you’re just playing with me,” Kyungsoo said, creasing his brows.
Kai’s hands moved from Kyungsoo’s shoulders to cup his face. “Doesn’t matter,” he murmured as he leaned forward to a blushing Kyungsoo. “By the way, Kyung? Now that we’ve established that the feeling’s mutual between us, we won’t be going to the gym to work out anymore.”
Kyungsoo made a small attempt to pull away from Kai, but Kai wouldn’t let him. “What? But I still wanna be fit—”
“Relax,” Kai said, chuckling as he brushed his lips against Kyungsoo’s. “Just because we won’t be going to the gym to work out doesn’t mean we won’t work out at all. We’ll work out here. At my house. In this room. In bed. Doing a more efficient way of excercising.”
Catching on to what Kai was implying, Kyungsoo turned red. “Kai!”
Kai gave Kyungsoo a small peck on the lips, foreshadowing what he’d do next. “What? Are you going to object?” There was no quick response. “No? Good,” he said before taking Kyungsoo’s mouth for himself.
More Than I Should
—The morning after Lay’s party at Kai’s house—
Kyungsoo felt his breathing hinder. “What?” he croaked out.
“Me,” Kai repeated, grinning down at Kyungsoo on the floor. “You gave me your first time, Kyung.”
The way he was breathing would’ve eventually led Kyungsoo to hyperventilate into his own death. Kai noticed this and hopped off the bed. He took Kyungsoo by the arm and helped him up. The grin he had on earlier disappeared and was replaced by a deep frown. “Why do you look like that?”
After being set on the bed, Kyungsoo replied, but hung his head, not taking the effort to look at Kai. “Look like what?”
Kair glared as he lifted a hand to force Kyungsoo to meet his gaze. “Look at me when we’re talking ,damn it.” He studied Kyungsoo’s face for a moment, as if to decipher what was going on inside his mind. “Now. Give me an answer.”
With his lips quivering, Kyungsoo answered. “I-I don’t know, Kai.”
Scrunching his brows, Kai asked in a hard tone, “What do you mean you don’t know?”
The inside of Kyungsoo’s mind immediately raced. He knew exactly why he was acting the way he was, but he didn’t know how to break his thoughts to Kai gently. Thinking, Kyungsoo figured quickly that the best way to get his thoughts out there was to just say them. “Can we…Can we pretend that last night never happened?” he said quietly, almost in a whisper.
Kai froze as he gaped at Kyungsoo with a hurt look featured on his face. “What did you say?”
“Pretend—Pretend that this didn’t…that this didn’t happen,” Kyungsoo stuttered out.
Kai clenched his fists against his naked sides and the muscles in his jaws tightened. “No.”
Kyungsoo looked down when he heard the rejection. “I-I just don’t want—”
“—No—”
“—I don’t want this to ruin our friendship!” Kyungsoo cried out, clutching onto the sheets.
Scowling, Kai growled, “What happened last night’s not going to fuck our relationship up.” He took a hand and ripped the sheets covering Kyungsoo’s body away, leaving him openly naked. When Kyungsoo tried to retrieve the sheets back in a shy fit, Kai took him by the arm, keeping him still. “Ignoring it will.”
“Kai, please, you don’t understand! I—”
“No, Kyung! You don’t understand!” Kai lifted up Kyungsoo’s head again. “You can’t even fucking walk and you fucking expect the both of us to forget about this?”
“I don’t even remember what happened!” Kyungsoo ripped Kai’s hold on his chin away and buried his face in his hands. “And I don’t want to lose you as a friend. You were probably just helping me out, which…which is fine.” No, it isn’t, Kyungsoo silently thought. “I like you Kai, but…”
“But what, Kyungsoo? But what?”
“That’s it… I like you,” Kyungsoo said, stressing the word.
Kai was taken aback. “I don’t fucking see how that’s a problem.” He tried to keep the rising emotions seeping up inside of him down, but Kai had a hard time doing that. Like…Did Kyungsoo mean it differently than the normal definition of the word? Kai wanted to know. He pushed on. “ What do you mean by like anyways?” he asked a little too aggressively.
The tone of his voice made Kyungsoo flinch. What if he thinks that the way I feel about him is disgusting? Kyungsoo’s eyes traveled to the bed under him. He must’ve s-slept with me to calm my nerves…maybe being a virgin was keeping me from being successful—But I don’t want to be successful. I don’t want a girl. I—Kyungsoo blinked. I don’t want a girl…I want Kai. Kyungsoo looked back at the male in front of him. “Oh my god…”
“Kyung—”
“Kai, I’m sorry. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Kyungsoo went back to panic mode. “You and I, we…we were just supposed to be friends. You were supposed to help me become someone girls would want, because, heck, girls like you, don’t they?” They do, but I hate that…“I wasn’t supposed to...” Kyungsoo looked at his position. “I did something last night, didn’t I? I begged you to do this with me? Did I slip up? Did—”
“Kyungsoo, shut up and quit rambling.” Kai grimaced. He paced around naked, stomping his feet as he went. “I get it. You never expected this to happen and you don’t want to remember it—not that you even can,” he said, bitterly. “And for the record, you didn’t fucking beg me. If anything, I fucking begged you.”
Kyungsoo gulped. “What…what do you mean you begged me?”
Kai paused with his bare back turned to Kyungsoo. “You really don’t get it…” He sighed and turned back to face the guy, who he wanted to hit, yet kiss at the moment. “You were going to lose your virginity to someone else.”
It was silent between them for a while. “Why…Why didn’t I?” Kyungsoo asked out of curiosity.
“Because I stepped the fuck in, Kyung!” Kai replied in a hoarse voice. “I stepped in because I didn’t want your first time to be with some slut or with someone you didn’t even fucking know. I wanted—”
Kyungsoo wanted a different answer. He anticipated one, but what Kai gave him was not what he was looking for. “—So you took it because you felt sorry for me for almost having sex with someone I didn’t kn—”
Kai snapped. “I didn’t take you out of pity! Or as a fucking favor!” Angrily, Kai stalked back to the bed. There, he pushed Kyungsoo flat on his back. “I didn’t fucking take you to teach you shit for future fucking reference when you’re off fucking with somebody else! I didn’t take you for myself for any of those god damn reasons!”
“Then why did you?” Kyungsoo said in a hushed whisper. He wanted a definite answer…
“Because I’m in love with some fucking idiot too naïve to realize how fucking sick I’ve been these past few weeks pretending like I gave a fuck about him losing his virginity to some girl.” Kai stared Kyungsoo right in the eye. “And since this guy is naïve beyond belief, I’ll just say this point blank: you. I’m talking about you.” He paused. “I took you because I didn’t want anyone else to have you, but me, you ass.”
Kyungsoo felt his throat go dry and his heart beat right out of his chest. “I…I’m sorry.”
“For what, Kyung? Sorry for—fucking—what?”
“For not noticing…” he said, brokenly. He felt awful that Kai was like this. How had he not noticed? He was watching Kai every second of the fucking day because he was just…he was just him. Kyungsoo didn’t understand how he could’ve missed the signs. How did he miss the moments when Kai was upset? Maybe he mistook those moments and signs as Kai being frustrated with his inability to attract a girl or something...
Kai felt his lips sadly twitch upwards. “Is that all you have to say? You’re not going to explain to me what you meant by ‘like’ a while ago? Or was I just being stupid, thinking that—”
“You’re not stupid...”
“You’re right. I’m not. You are,” Kai said, putting on a sad grin. He leaned off Kyungsoo, leasing him from his towering trap before beginning to walk away to go retrieve some clothes. “You can leave if you want. We’ll forget about this.”
“But—”
“I’ll give you some of my clothes. Just give them back on Monday—”
“But Kai—”
“And, Kyung? I’m sorry about taking your virginity with your sober cons—”
“Kai, shut the fuck up!” Kyungsoo yelled. The moment he cursed, Kyungsoo’s eyes grew big, as did Kai’s.
“Excuse me?” Kai said once he got over the shock.
“Forget what I said. I don’t want to pretend like nothing happened. I don’t want that. I—”
“Why? You feel sorry for me now?”
“No! It’s because…by ‘like’ I really meant it,” Kyungsoo said. “I do like you, but more than what should be considered normal between two friends… I thought you’d be grossed out—”
Kai stalked back to Kyungsoo. “When did you realize you felt this way?” he asked, holding Kyungsoo by the shoulders.
“M-Maybe a few weeks ago, but I just…I didn’t really think anything about it!” Kyungsoo replied. “I thought I just really liked having you around, but whenever girls would come over and try to talk to you and stuff, I’d get…I’d get angry, but I didn’t know why. I just—I was confused back then, Kai.”
Kyungsoo took a moment to breathe. “But now that I know you feel the same way—I mean, kinda. You’re a little…” Kyungsoo let out a meek laugh. “You’re a little bit more aggressively adamant about how you feel than I am…”
Kai grinned. “Kyung, for confirmation’s sake, tell me that you’re basically telling me that you like me more than a friend right now.”
“I-I like you…” Kai raised a brow, indicating for him to add the rest. “…more than a…a friend.”
“More than a friend and a gym buddy?”
“Now you’re just playing with me,” Kyungsoo said, creasing his brows.
Kai’s hands moved from Kyungsoo’s shoulders to cup his face. “Doesn’t matter,” he murmured as he leaned forward to a blushing Kyungsoo. “By the way, Kyung? Now that we’ve established that the feeling’s mutual between us, we won’t be going to the gym to work out anymore.”
Kyungsoo made a small attempt to pull away from Kai, but Kai wouldn’t let him. “What? But I still wanna be fit—”
“Relax,” Kai said, chuckling as he brushed his lips against Kyungsoo’s. “Just because we won’t be going to the gym to work out doesn’t mean we won’t work out at all. We’ll work out here. At my house. In this room. In bed. Doing a more efficient way of excercising.”
Catching on to what Kai was implying, Kyungsoo turned red. “Kai!”
Kai gave Kyungsoo a small peck on the lips, foreshadowing what he’d do next. “What? Are you going to object?” There was no quick response. “No? Good,” he said before taking Kyungsoo’s mouth for himself.
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